In those days of complete boredom and lethargy, dreams were rather revolutionary. Dreams of having quit the job, started up my own small publishing company, or a language institute, or a language service company. And dreams of building up my own business with such passion and intelligence, that in a couple of months, I would be able to pay up to the company I was going to leave, because I would be breaking the contract before serving my ‘sentence’ there. Then, secret dreams of getting married to this guy I got to know at work, or not, and then having kids, or not, and living happily ever after in the small world that we’d have around. Or not.
It turned out to be ‘Not’. But I did quit my creativity-slaughtering job. Without any concrete business plans. They called it ‘absconding.’ Google tells me absconding means ‘leaving hurriedly and secretly, typically to avoid detection or arrest’. So figuratively true. Leaving hurriedly and secretly, typically to avoid detection or arrest (of futuristically competitive intentions. Or none.)
Then came the year before now. Ow, the now! It sort of aches to narrate. But it’s okay; I get the feeling that I’m either comfortable with the hard time that the past year has put up, or I’m feeling more equipped to see that history doesn’t repeat itself. I think it’s the latter.
The last year was the year of shedding the dark feathers. But in the process, I guess I shed my wings, too. The feeling of freedom from the job-monotony lasted for not even a few days. Instead, depression and frustration made long surprise visits. Many times. Then there was loss of direction. Loss of creative nerve. Loss of focus. Loss of interest. Loss of discipline. Loss of a moderately interesting social life. Loss of currency notes that had earlier made me feel so independent. And the two most dangerous of all. Loss of purpose, and self-belief, something I used to be proudly filled in abundance with.
Until, a few months later, I got it all back.
(This post is thesecond of the 4-day series ‘Dreams of Then and Now’, in which I look back at the dreams I saw and the realities I walked through until this time of the year. More about the series here. Stay tuned!)